my hand ached. my right hand gripped the pen with mission. I had to write down everything he was telling me. can’t miss a single adjective because I had not been there and he would not be here. /soon
jake or jacque? what tribe in Oklahoma? who is still there? do we have land? where is your mother buried?
‘nik, memorize the smells and sounds’, ok… slight hint of ben gay is embedded on his heating blanket, his body reeks of medicine excreting from every pore, … I smell water…
his face / his face, looks so worried when the doctors enter the room. his eyebrows raise with storyline spaces for someone to hear him until the end. he wants his bible near by and his playstation on the television screen. (some army game, the name escapes me right not) still so tender towards me, he entertains everything except my conversations of him barbecuing in the summertime. he never says it from his mouth, but his eyes tell me / beg me… accept he is leaving soon.
so I write the secrets he kept even from his brothers. I write about the alcoholism. I write about the child abuse. I write about the abandonment. I write about his mother’s beating with a black jack. I write about the robbery. I write about the players ball. I write about the love he never lost for my mother. I write about his fears of being a father to me.
I write about his girlfriend with the snake. I write about Tall Mike. I write about his grandmother’s pet ducks. I write he never speaks of his father. I write he never speaks of the shooting. I write about the look in his eyes when I finally mention his father’s name, Big Kenny. I write about him overcoming paralysis and living a life he loved. I write about his voice cracking when he mentions how often he thought of me. I write the definition of dead beat dad. I write it doesn’t fit him. I write he was afraid I would be mad at him. I write how proud he was of my books and poetry cd. I wrote until after his funeral… then stopped. and cried.
my dad was true to his word and true to his heart. viewed selfish by some but he passed with no fear or regrets. he has given me a great story. he has given me beautiful cheek bones. he has given me a golden smile. he has given me an example to live true to my heart. Kenny the Leo.